Friday, August 02, 2013

And Here It Begins

Hey there! So,...I haven't written on this thing in awhile, and I'm realizing more and more that I'm not going to have much time to once school starts... (less than three weeks!!! ah!!!).  :) So I guess I should take advantage of my time while I have it.

     Boy, life has been so,...hm, what's the word,.....I guess crazy. Yea. My life has been crazy recently. And I'm not even doing much. There has been some family in and out, and I have been blessed with some neat fellowship with friends over the past two months. Oh yea, and I've been studying forever to catch up on the finals I missed last semester. he he...fun stuff!  :-p

     I think the real craziness though has been in my walk with Jesus. I've been in such a blur of spiritual learning and confusion and frustration and joy and.......oh,......I feel like God has taught me so much, in just this summer, and I'm not sure how to handle it all. :) My faith has just exploded into more of a reality to me. I'm more aware of the importance of God's presence in my life. I feel this urgent calling to seek out the Lord more in everything I do, and not just "make time" for him. I guess I'm learning a lot of lessons I thought I already knew, but apparently never understood.

     It's funny. Every year, every summer, I seem to have a new testimony to share with people. This last semester, I was frustrated with feeling like I didn't care about God. I wanted to break out of that valley I was in, and pursue what I knew to be true, but then....I just didn't care. It's a hard struggle to describe. I questioned everything. I felt like if I couldn't discipline myself to read God's word and talk to Him when I didn't want to, then I wasn't much of a Christian. And the most frustrating thing was that, growing up in a Christian home, I knew how to appear like I was still on track. I felt like I couldn't express the deadness I was feeling, because I knew all the right answers, and it appeared that I was struggling with my frustrations, even though I wasn't struggling at all. I hardly cared.
I was frustrated, but I didn't feel frustrated. It was like a mental struggle. And then on top of that, I didn't care. I knew something was wrong, but that was just normal. Nothing to worry about. REALLY weird stuff. Hard to explain. If you had a hard time understanding that paragraph, then you probably understand a little of the confusion I was going through. :) It's complicated.

     Well then, I really messed up a friendship. It was caused by me trying to find attention and satisfaction in the wrong place I guess. I was silly, and did some stupid stuff. Nothing "wrong" per ce, but it brought me to my knees. I wasn't finding wholeness in my God like I should have been, and so instead I was trying to fill my emptiness with all sorts of different things. Attention in particular. I woke up to the fact that something was wrong, and it wasn't no big deal. But I didn't know exactly what my problem was, and I still struggled with talking to God about it.

     Then I went to Worldview Academy again, and long story short, I kinda had a breakdown while I was there with my small group about my frustrations. Those girls were so sweet to me. They prayed for me, and then my leader told me I was loved.

My first thought was, "......Yea, thanks. I know that already."
And then I guess God decided to come through.

"YEA TALIA. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! You're mine, I love you. Won't you accept that? Stop looking for it, it's right here." :)

     God pinpointed for me, through her, exactly what it was I was missing. I wasn't aware what I was looking for that was causing me so much frustration. I just knew I felt dead. But when I knew what it was I'd been missing, and tasted that sweetness of His love and forgiveness again, it's like I woke up. Guys, it is so important to find wholeness in His love, and come refill on it constantly. I don't think I can stress that enough. Knowing that has given me such life.

All in all, that's a really poor explanation. Wish I could do better than that. It's so overwhelming to me.

Yea, Jesus loves me. I've heard that song my whole life. But WOA!! GUYS!!! JESUS LOVES ME! ISN'T THAT AWESOME?!?

Anywho, since then I've become so aware of the time I've missed out on and not spent living for my God. And the scary part is, I don't know if I have tomorrow. It is so important that I not waste my time; and that's something I am still learning to apply. I've tried to share this with my friends, but sometimes it's really hard to transfer passion. :-P Just in case you hadn't noticed. So instead, I'm learning to pray, and ask God to work through me and in them, and become a reality to them. As a believer myself, I know sometimes it's a struggle to understand the reality of God. That understanding is what I want most for everyone I engage with, as well as myself. I've had a few friends really come alongside me in this journey who passionately strive for that same goal, and I have received so much encouraging and strength from their friendship.

There's a lot more, but wow, this entry is kinda long. If I wrote about everything else I've learned, you would either be here the rest of your life, or just not finish reading. :) So I'll write more later I suppose.

I hope this is encouraging. Some of it is confusing, I know. It's hard to put to words what I'm feeling, and learning. But I've done my best. I pray God's blessing over you this week, that He will grant you the deep desires of your heart and soul, and that you will find wholeness in His being. He loves you, and He is always, always, always there for you!